


Just Not Me

by sharedwithyou



Category: Captain America (Movies), Captain America - All Media Types, Iron Man (Movies), The Avengers (Marvel Movies), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, Thor (Movies), Thor - All Media Types
Genre: Angst and Humor, Angstangstangst, Clint Has Issues, Er Love Greater than less than Sign, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Love Triangle, Minor Clint Barton/Natasha Romanov, Temporarily Unrequited Love, Thor Is Not Stupid, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-30
Updated: 2017-02-26
Packaged: 2018-09-03 07:57:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 10,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8704012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sharedwithyou/pseuds/sharedwithyou
Summary: “Wanna get some sush?”“That’s not a cool way to say sushi, Clint.”“What are you, the grammar police?”“Maybe the slang police. Also, don’t you hate raw fish?”“A guy can learn to like new things.”You sighed and patted him on the shoulder. “You wouldn’t happen to be stalking Nat on her date, would you?”“It’s not stalking if I’m with you and we happen to go there.”Why am I always plan B?





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> BOOHOOHOOO
> 
> this is angsty but theres a bit of fluff and lots of humor and yes thor gets some love because pharm rubs off on me OKAY
> 
> this was supposed to be a one-shot but i think i might write another chapter or two
> 
> leave a comment if you like!! i'm in a bleghy mood
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Blegh

 

“Wanna get some sush?”

“That’s not a cool way to say sushi, Clint.”

“What are you, the grammar police?”

“Maybe the slang police. Also, don’t you hate raw fish?”

“A guy can learn to like new things.”

You sighed and patted him on the shoulder. “You wouldn’t happen to be stalking Nat on her date, would you?”

“It’s not stalking if I’m with you and we happen to go there.”

Why am I always plan B?

That’s what you wanted to say.

But maybe that’s how he felt when Nat dragged him to the mall to find a dress she’d be wearing for someone else.

Empathy’s a powerful tool, after all.

“Fine. But you’re buying.”

“Fine. But we’re not taking the Superblooper.”

“Poop.”

 

Across the bar, Nat the Cat winked at you, inconspicuous in an orange romper.

Clint had begged you to wear something slightly less outrageous, read: normal, but if he didn’t want to feel like a lonely creeper hiding in the shadows, he’d have to let you choose your outfit.

Besides, it was cute.

“Told you she’d notice.”

You weren’t sure if Clint’s voice was coming in over your earpiece or from some scaffolding.

“Well, luckily she thinks I’m here to keep an eye on her date, whom I ‘don’t have a good feeling about.’”

He snickered, misunderstanding your tone completely.

You had pretended to be a mother hen as soon as this new suit had come into her life; really you were just sticking up for your best buddy.

Clint was impossibly quiet about his feelings towards Nat the Cat (at least to anyone besides you); and also impossibly jealous about any non-Agent who got within 10 yards of her.

 

So now he had an excuse to spy on her in an only semi-annoying way; because you were ‘protective’ and if he was spotted he could claim you ‘dragged him along.’

 

It was carefully orchestrated and incredibly convenient, basically airtight except for the fucking irony that was killing you.

 

Because now you were also involved situationally with someone who didn’t give a damn about you.

 

Involved, in the most pragmatic sense of the word, of course.

After all, Clint was no dreamer; Natasha Romanov was the person he admired most, his partner in the most missions, so it made sense in his mind for him to fall for her.

Too bad your heart wasn’t that logical.

 

 

Yes, he’s your best friend who’s like your brother, who you think would be so good together with your other friend, so why not fall head over heels for him?

Exactly.

It was bullshit.

 

 

“Why would you wear a romper to a ritzy bar like this, anyway?”

“This judgement coming from the guy in catburglar gear climbing the walls?”

“Hey. Stick to the point.”

“If you look around, Clint, there’s like 5 other women wearing rompers.”

“Yes, but they’re all sexy or chic, or shiny. And none of them are neon.”

“I like to think of myself as a trend-setter.”

“Yeah only you would come up with an outfit like this.”

Too bad you couldn’t flip him off; with your luck someone in his general vicinity, and probably a very large barrel-y fellow would think you were aiming at him.

“10-4!! Target on the move! Requesting radio silence!!” Clint practically hollered into your ear, before vanishing as Nat the Cat made her way over to you.

 

“You know, if you’re gonna stalk someone, you might want to wear something that blends in a bit more.”

You nudged her shoulder with a grin, and she handed you a Mangotini. Yum.

“Just keeping an eye on my sister. Gotta make sure the guy’s good enough for you. Ya know.”

She rolled her eyes, but you could see that she found it cute how ‘clingy’ you were. Which made you feel even lousier.

“Where’s Jeremy?”

Of course you knew his name; you were nice enough to refer to him as ‘the random dude’ when it was just you and Clint.

 

Just you and Clint. What a freakin joke.

 

“Flagging a cab. We’re heading out now.”

“So soon?” You wiggled your eyebrows and she made a move to headlock you.

Standard girlfriend stuff, but 8 people formed a circle around you and began shouting fight, fight, fight!

“You know, you should’ve brought Clint; he tends to keep you from getting into situations like these.”

She winked, before meandering out of the circle and leaving you with a disappointed crowd.

Things were going just great.

 

The problem was, that Tasha knew you were crazy about Clint, and you knew Clint was crazy about Tasha, but the obvious last link was broken.

Which was what you mused about as you did the running man and broken sprinkler to cheer up the people around you, before pulling someone else into the impromptu dance circle so they could have their silly moment.

Life’s a bitch; but sometimes you can still make someone else’s day.

 

“You look like a retard, you know?”

“Oh fuck off, man.”

You were getting strange stares and creepy leers as the two of you rode the bus home. That was Clint’s way of staying ‘under the radar.’ Anyway, his quippy little jabs were getting irritating. Read: hurtful.

“What crawled up your skirt and bit you in the ass? Or should I say shorts?” He was miffed at your less-than-thrilled response.

“Me? Pretty sure you’re the one feeling oversensitive. You know, since Nat left with Jer-Jer. And hasn’t arrived back at the Tower yet.”

“How would you know whether she was at the Tower yet?”

“Because I saw Thor’s text back to you. You creep.”

He crossed his arms and stretched his legs, getting into his ‘mopey but sexy’ pose. Which annoyingly worked, at least on you.

“Well today was a bust.”

“What did you expect, Hawk?”

“That he’d try to grope her and she’d break his neck.”

“He’s not you.”

He probably had a million mean comebacks to that, but was kind enough to bite his tongue for once. Since you were so tired from today’s ‘secret mission’ that you were almost falling asleep on the shoulder of the hobo next to you.

So the two of you decided to stew in your own respective miserable silences instead; feeling the same pain for different people in a cliché story that came around every freaking month.

But as usual, the two of you soldiered on; him with his patient ear for Nat’s personal life at least when she was talking about it (and possibly his porn collection), and you with your enablement for the saddest shit that he’d get himself into regarding her.

So as a good soldier, you resisted nodding off and only fell on the hobo twice;

 

 

Because you weren’t the one Clint would want resting on his shoulder.

 

 

“Long night spying?”

“Shut up.”

You trudged into the kitchen where Thor was having Pop-Tarts for lunch. Weirdo.

“You should trust Lady Natasha to take care of herself, or any suitors that come along for that matter.”

“And you should save some coffee for other people who live here.”

He shook his head and smiled, before getting up gallantly to make another pot.

“Geez, (y/n), late bird much?”

Clint strolled in all slick from his post-workout shower. How he managed to wake up earlier than you with exercise as motivation was beyond you. Sleeping and not working out were two of your hobbies. Then again he was probably keeping a rocking bod for Nat. You tried not to think about how he looked under the t-shirt sticking to his skin.

“You alright, Lady (y/n)?”

“Huh? Oh yeah, great.” Thor gave you a weird look and you hoped you weren’t drooling. Clint, however, paid no mind and took the coffee pot off the stove to make some soup.

“Dude, come on!”

“What, it’s the afternoon. You don’t need coffee. But I do need my clam chowder.”

“I’ll tell you where you can put your chowder you chowder-head!”

You lunged at him with fork but Thor caught you by the back of your shirt and plopped you back into the chair like you were a rag doll. God his biceps were huge. He made Clint look like an out-of-shape frat boy.

“How do you get so ripped, Thor?!”

“I don’t know, just work out I guess.”

“He doesn’t sit on his ass all day (y/n).”

“Fuck you Clint.” You got up out of your chair but went to grab cereal instead of kicking Clint in the balls. But only because Thor gave you a warning look and you didn’t want to be put in time-out.

 

 

“There’s four burners, guys.”

 

 

All three of you jumped at the sudden albeit quiet voice.

“Hey Bruce, want some coffee?”

“Sure.”

“Well I’d give you some but SOMEONE took it off the stove.”

“…like I said, there’s four burners.” Bruce repeated and rolled his eyes but walked over and put the coffee on the adjacent burner.

“Thanks.” You gave him a grateful look, before turning to Thor to tell him about your adventures of yesterday night. Mainly the bus ride. And how the hobo you fell asleep on almost kidnapped you.

 

“Why do you always antagonize her, Clint?”

“Maybe because she’s, I don’t know, REALLY annoying.”

“Really? She’s the only one willing to listen to you moan and groan about Tasha.”

Clint shoved him and looked around quickly, making sure the MVW (most valuable woman) wasn’t in the vicinity. “Keep it on the DL, man.”

“You really shouldn’t shove me.”

Clint sneered at him, but backed off. “Sorry. Touchy subject.”

“So I gathered. Still, you should be nicer to your best friend.”

“Nat is my best friend. (Y/n) is just fun to punk around with.”

Bruce shrugged and wandered as the coffee pot shrilled, ending their conversation.

 

 

Unbeknownst to him, you and Thor’s conversation had ended earlier. And his last words were crystal clear in your ear.

 

 

“You’re looking chipper.”

“Mhm.”

Nat the Cat found you curled up in the Break-up Room, as Tony had dubbed it since it had the biggest TV and pantry, watching Legally Blonde and stuffing your face with peanut M&M’s.

“Clint piss you off again?”

“Mhm.”

“You gonna share those or what?”

You handed her the half-eaten bag that you had been clutching under your snuggie, keeping your eyes glued on screen.

“Man, Luke Wilson was a looker.”

“Yeah, especially as Emmet. He’s so nice to Elle.”

“Maybe you should find someone who won’t upset you every day, hon.”

You stuck your tongue out at her, and she laughed, pulling the snuggie away so you could share.

“The problem is, we were friends first. So his mean jokes used to just be funny. But now I get all butthurt over nothing. And I’m like, I don’t want to be that oversensitive chick. But I can’t help feeling blue when he picks on me. And when I have a really good comeback, he just loses interest in the conversation. Like he just wants the last word.”

She chuckled. “He’s always been like that. He’s 90% dick and 10% decent human being.”

“Nothing wrong with big dicks though, right?”

The two of you snickered and you rewinded the dvd so the two of you could watch the studying montage again.

 

 

If there was one thing you and Clint had in common, it was the privilege of having Nat the Cat as a true best friend.

 

 

“So what do you want to do tonight?”

Clint slid down through one of the ceiling panels in your room, pulling you away from Facebook stalking the popular kids from high school.

“Well Nat’s helping Steve with some paperwork tonight so we don’t have to tail her.”

“Yeah, I know.”

“Cool.” You turned back to your laptop, not wanting to seem upset. He’d just tell you to suck it up and not be a party pooper anyway.

“So what do you want for dinner?”

You realized that the two of you usually ate out together on your “special missions.” AKA following your bestie around town. He only knew how to make pb+J and progresso.

“Tony’s getting take-out. I’ll put in an order for you.”

“Sweet.” He reached over and ruffled your hair, an annoying but still affectionate gesture, and climbed back into the vents.

“Call me when he gets back with the food okay?”

“Clint, you have a phone. You can just text him and ask.”

“Sheesh, it’s a simple favor.”

 

Just like that, you were pissed at him again.

 

 

“That’s the third time you’ve bumped me off the track, (y/n).”

“It’s Mario Kart racing. Not baton tag-team.”

“I do enjoy the spirit of competition. However, as I am already one lap behind you, it is somewhat unnecessary.”

“…oh. My bad.” You’d been so busy ramming all the computer characters out of the way you’d forgotten how bad Thor was with the wheel. Apparently flying around with a hammer was easier.

“This pining over unrequited love is a bit cliché, wouldn’t you say?”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

He gave you the side-eye, but you put your controller down and looked out the window. Not the smoothest move, but apparently everyone and their mom knew about your crush.

“Come here.”

You felt your butt get lifted out of your seat as Thor lugged you over from your side of the couch and propped you against the pillow right next to him.

“Woah!”

“Now let’s do something exciting to get you out of this rut.”

“…can we go to the zoo?!”

 

 

“I am not stealing a giraffe for you again.”

 

 

“Chow Mein’s here.”

Clint looked up from his phone and saw a video screen projected onto the wall. “Really Tony? You couldn’t have just texted me?”

“Steve said that we should all get more ‘face time’ with each other.”

“I meant actually eat in the same room!” Steve called from the loudspeaker.

“Okay let’s all meet on floor 13. If anyone’s extra hungry they can have (y/n)’s peking duck.”

Clint slid down the chute from two floors up and landed expertly next to Steve setting the table. “Why, where is she?”

“She and Thor flew off somewhere on Mjolnir.”

“…huh.”

“Everything okay, Clint?”

“Oh, sure Cap.” He grabbed a pair of chopsticks with a grin, but couldn’t help feeling off-balance. You always had dinner with him.

 

 

“Four points!”

“No fair, you cheated!”

Thor’s laugh rumbled as he let a handful of feathers fall onto the ground. “It’s not my fault that I have longer reach.”

“You keep swerving so I can’t reach any of the birds!”

“I have no idea what you’re talking about.”

You felt his stubble scratch against your forehead as you zoomed through the air, playing Bird-Tag. 4 points for a pigeon, 6 for a seagull. Not exactly PETA-sanctioned, but Tony had the whole team vaccinated for avian flu a month ago and you might as well make the most of it.

“Can we stop for a bit? I’m getting wind rash.”

He slowed his pace and the two of you settled onto a sky-scraper. You used to be scared of heights, but you got used to it real fast after a few missions that involved sky-diving. Still, you couldn’t help inching closer to him when you saw how small the ledge was.

“I have to admit, this game was more fun than expected.”

“Only because you’re winning.”

He nudged you gently, before putting an arm around you so you didn’t fall. “I much prefer it to chess.”

“Well anything flying is usually exciting.”

 

 

“Anything with you is exciting, (y/n). Even the most mundane activities- you manage to bring life to them.”

 

 

He looked away then, as an awkward silence settled over you.

You felt hot, despite the cold wind rushing around you. You hoped you weren’t coming down with something. The strange juxtaposition of opposite temperatures usually meant you had a fever.

“…want to get something to eat, Thor?”

“Oh, yes. Definitely.”

 

And the two of you flew quietly to Papa Johns.

 

 

“Steve and I finished early today.”

“Gratz.” You replied shortly, hoarding the free breadsticks you’d gotten when the cashier took one look at the Norse God’s bod.

“So Jeremy’s taking me out for drinks.”

“Swell.” You wanted to be more excited for your girl, but Thor had gone up to his room abruptly as soon as the two of you got home with the pizza without so much as a seeya, and Clint had stolen 2 of your slices while simultaneously making a fat joke about you, so you were all out of fucks to give.

“I can tell you which bar so you can skip the surreptitiously stalking me part.”

“Huh? Oh.” You were so fed up with the now-turned-shitty-once-again day, you’d forgotten to front about being ‘the jealously protective bestie.’ “Yeah, sure. I’m all ears.”

“You alright, hon?” Nat the Cat was the one who’d been up to her eyeballs in field reports while you got to go cruising on a magic hammer, but somehow you were the one in a foul mood. Maybe because she had a hot guy to make out with and the only thing you’d do with your crush’s mouth was probably punch it.

“Yup. Just got called fat again by Feather Butt. Go on.”

“(Y/n), you have to stop letting him get under your skin.” She lectured, before pulling out a compact to fill in her brows. Hey, she could encourage you and glam up at the same time. Agents are supposed to be good at multi-tasking.

“If only I could get under his…”

 

And the two of you shared a cackle, before Yelp-ing the hole-in-the-wall Dreamboat Jeremy mentioned.

Because after all, you were a really, really good friend.

 

 

“Grab your LBD, (y/n), we got a night out ahead of us!”

“Mff.”

Jeremy hadn’t arrived until midnight, so you were already face-in-pillow with your Captain America print pj’s by the time Clint clambered into your room.

“You know, LBD? Little black dress? God you can be such a butch sometimes.”

“Do you mean bitch?” You mumbled back, too pooped to come up with a proper comeback.

“Nah. You’re alright.” He reached over and ruffled your hair for the second time that day, which was TWO WHOLE more affectionate signs than the average Wednesday, before going to your closet to find something for you to wear. “Now I’m thinking strapless. And not orange. This place may be low-key but they have a strict dress code.”

“Did you Yelp it?”

“Nah, I scoped it out twenty minutes ago. That’s why I’m late.”

“…Clint if you were already there, why the hell did you come back?!?!” If you weren’t so tired you would’ve thrown a pillow at him. Or maybe your clock radio.

“Because, I didn’t want to seem like a creep!!”

Even if you hadn’t been drowsy, you wouldn’t have a good reply to that.

“I mean, if I’m just checking the place out, it’s cool. But if I hang around there like a horny single guy, that’s just freaky.”

“…normal, single guys are known to frequent bars too.”

“Yeah, well, I wasn’t exactly there as a customer.”

“You were lurking in the rafters??”

“I prefer the term recon.”

“Ugh.” You pushed the dress Clint tossed at you off your face and off the bed. “I’m tired, man. Let’s just let them have one night off.”

“Come on (y/n). It’s a really snazzy bar.”

“Snazzy?”

“I know Tasha’s tired, so it shouldn’t be hard to convince her not to go back to his place. You know, if you’re the one who does it.”

“Oh, forget Tasha for a sec, even I deserve to have one night off!!”

“What do you mean?!” He demanded, putting a second dress on your chair before cannon-balling onto your bed, nearly bouncing you off in the process.

“I mean, I’m freaking sleepy, and we can spy on her any other day!! As a matter of fact, we have been spying on her every other day!!”

“Not true. Last Friday-“

“Last Friday you were on a mission, Clint.”

“Oh. Right.”

You let out a loud snore and wished you were merely annoyed, and not thoroughly heart-broken with the situation.

“Well, at least come to hang out with me.”

You buried your face under your pillow, making exaggerated whiny-crying sounds so you wouldn’t accidentally actually start crying. Figures the only way he wanted to hang out with you was to keep an eye on the girl he truly cared about.

“You skipped dinner with us. And you went out flying with Thor instead of our usual 8 o’clock fashion montage.”

“You mean when we pick out our ‘disguises’?”

“Hey I thought we always had fun with those!” He shook your shoulders in what you thought was an attempt to wake you. “(Y/n), you think those are fun, don’t you?!”

“Mm, I guess.” You mumbled back, hiding your head in your pillow-cave.

“Hang on.” He crawled over to sit with his back to the headboard and peer at you curiously. “You’re not bored of being with me, are you?”

There was some hint of honesty in that question that made a quiver run through you. Clint tucked the blankets around you, assuming you were cold.

 

 

I’m not bored of being with you, Clint. I’m tired of being your good-enough friend, your back-up buddy, your excuse to follow around the one you actually love.

I’m bored of being your ‘best friend,’ Clint. Maybe that’s what everyone else thinks we are.

But I think you can only have one best friend.

And she’s just not me.

 

 

Funny that he should use the phrase ‘being with me.’ He probably didn’t even realize there were romantic undertones to it. He was just a dolt.

“No, I’m not bored, Clint. I mean we just punk around, right?”

“Exactly!” Satisfied and completely missing the point, he yanked the blankets off the bed and went back to finding a ‘classy’ outfit for you.

 

You waited until he got lost in the jumble of shoes to shimmy into the vents and crawl away.

 

 

“Midgard to (Y/n).”

You heard a rumbling sound, but curled up as best you could in the cold metal tunnels and continued dozing.

“Okay, out you go.”

“Huh- FUCK!!!” You screamed as the ceiling panel you were curled up on creaked and disappeared.

Luckily, your freefall was stopped by 2 logs that turned into arms.

“I’m not sure the vents are most conducive to a good night’s rest. And your snores were echoing for two floors.”

“Oh, leave me alone!” Sure, Thor’s chest was nice and warm, but that was no reason to disassemble your hiding place and let you drop unceremoniously into thin air. Even if his rippling arms had stopped your fall.

“I intend to do so; as soon as we find a more suitable location for you to get some rest.”

“Well, don’t take me back to my room. Clint won’t leave me alone.”

“I am well aware. He stormed into mine and shouted at me inexplicably for ‘tiring you out,’ which, by the way, Tony has informed me usually involves sexual undertones.”

You snorted, in a typical unladylike manner, before letting your head fall limp against his forearm. You were just so damn tired.

“Anyway, no one has seen him since. Including Lady Natasha, who returned from her tryst in bad temper hours ago. Apparently Brother Clint had made a scene in front of her and her new beau as well.”

“Meh, he’s crazy.”

“I would assume that is your natural effect on men who find themselves in your company.”

“The hell is that supposed to mean?!” You gave him a feeble punch in the shoulder, trying to stay awake so you could argue properly.

“I did not mean to offend, (y/n).”

“Blrgh.”

 

 

“I just… I find I, myself, lose any semblance of reason when you’re around.

And it seems the very symptoms Brother Clint finds himself suffering means he, too, has fallen under your spell.”

 

 

All he got in response was half a snore, so he continued to the elevator to take you back to your room, 5 floors down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WAHHHHHHH
> 
> give me some love below!!
> 
> Random ramblings:  
> Quick Poll 1: WHAT PART WAS HARDEST TO READ  
> i think mine was ~ “Everything okay, Clint?”  
> “Oh, sure Cap.” He grabbed a pair of chopsticks with a grin, but couldn’t help feeling off-balance. You always had dinner with him.
> 
> BECAUSE CLINT LOVES LOVELY TOO HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW IT YET AND HE'S A STUPID JERK
> 
> quick poll 2: favorite line/part?!?!  
> i'm not going to steal you a giraffe- SHOUT-OUT TO CIVIL UNREST  
> ALTHOUGH i think my fav line is probably  
> “I do enjoy the spirit of competition. However, as I am already one lap behind you, it is somewhat unnecessary.”
> 
> somewhere along the line i made mario kart a tower-thing and thor royally bad at it  
> kind of like how i made nat the cat natasha's official name in-fic. pretty sure i did that in my first avengers fic. hmm.
> 
> quick poll 3: WHOO?!?!?!  
> i don't think i need to say based on this fic this time ;)))
> 
> quick poll 4: whachu wanna see next??? (fair warning i probably will come up with something totally random but i like to hear your guys' ideas)
> 
> hehe i chose the name jeremy for nat's new boo, just for j renn (aka jeremy renner)
> 
> "i don't know, like work out?" tom hiddleston's favorite exchange between chris evans and chris hemsworth, when chris evans wonders why he's so tiny
> 
>  
> 
> that's all this time lovelies!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker


	2. I HAVEN'T DECIDED YET

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> i felt like writing BUTTTTTT i wasn't sure who to give the throne to, so here's some more bullshittery again

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lovelies, i want to thank you so, so much for leaving comments and answering my polls.
> 
> They always make my day, no matter how bad, shitty, or downright depressing it's been.
> 
> I get discouraged sometimes, and you guys are always my rock. Thank you so much.
> 
> And now, here for some mindfuckery humor because that's what I'm good at. 
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker

 

“Are you fucking insane?”

“You tell me!!!”

“First you interrupt my date last night- what do you mean, you tell me??!! It was a rhetorical question!! And the answer is yes!!”

Bruce walked into the kitchen, where, to his dismay, a circus was going on.

Clint was holding Nat the Cat’s phone over the sink with the garbage disposal turned on, and Nat was holding Clint’s throat. Not very gently.

“Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the coffee.”

“Bruce, do something!!”

Apparently Steve was in the background, wringing his hands. He could lead the team into the throes of battle, but petty squabbles were not his forte.

 

 

“Oh for fuck’s sake, he’s acting irrationally because he’s in love with you.”

 

Was it ironic that this so-called secret, obvious to all but somehow not the savviest of spies, was being revealed unceremoniously by a man, or God, ambling through the room to grab a Pop-Tart?

 

Who could say?

Well, not you, since you were still asleep soundly in your room.

 

 

But, evidently, not for long.

“FIRE, FIRE!!”

“AHHH!!!” You screamed and jumped out of bed, grabbing the cup of water on your nightstand, getting ready to douse whatever flame you could on your way down the stairs.

“Chill out, (y/n). Was a joke.”

You groaned and put the glass back down with a clunk. It was the third time this month.

“What do you want, Tony?”

“Just to annoy you?”

“Fair enough.”

“Also to let you know that Thor spilled the beans to Tasha about Clint.”

“…what.”

“In front of everyone.”

 

 

“…he is so dead.”

 

 

“Nat?”

“I’m busy.”

“Hon?”

“I’m on the treadmill. You know the treadmill is my quiet time.”

Nat the Cat was pounding her feet in what must’ve been ‘ostrich-chasing-kevin-hart’ mode.

“You know that rule doesn’t affect me. It was mainly made to keep Tony from flirting with you for at least an hour.”

“It applies to you right now.”

“Uh-uh. You don’t get to do this to me.”

You reached over and unplugged the machine, watching Nat do an expert flip so she didn’t go crashing into the headboard. She gave you the Natasha Romanov Death Glare, which you shrugged off with a (Y/n) Innocent Smile.

“You’re lucky I don’t hit girls.”

“You punched me that one time I took the last egg roll.”

“I was PMS-ing.”

“Come on, let’s hash this out. I brought Rice Krispies.”

“…homemade?”

“You know it.”

She relented with an enormous sigh, and grabbed a warm-out-of-the-oven-or-microwave treat, all while staring into space with a scowl.

You waited patiently, because despite Clint’s assertion, you were a damn good friend too.

 

 

“See, the thing that gets me most is that I never saw it coming…”

 

 

“You’re not welcome here, Thor.” The Hawk was stewing over a Bourbon moodily.

“Oh come off it.”

“He’s right. No narcs.”

Thor cursed himself for having chosen the bar on Floor 15. Of all 4 bars in the tower, this was the one BOTH Clint and Tony had decided on?!

“I thought floor 13 was your ‘hang.’” You had taught Thor air-quotes, and he was starting to abuse them.

“Yeah, but since you seem to be an unlucky fart, you can go there instead.” Tony was immature, and also picking sides. Maybe because he was racist against aliens; or maybe because things were about to go haywire between the Golden Trio. No one messes with Clint, Nat, and (y/n). Not all three at once. And this was coming from the biggest prankster in the tower.

“I’ll arm-wrestle you for it.” This was as big of a peace-offering as Thor was willing to offer.

 

“You wanna go?! Let’s go!!”

 

 

Tony refilled his glass with Vodka, before settling back to watch this testosterone mess unfold.

Too bad (y/n) was busy. Otherwise they could take bets.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAHAHAHA
> 
> Give me some love if you enjoyed!
> 
> Random Ramblings:  
> Quick Poll 1: WHOOOOOOO  
> if i wrote slash, i feel like Nat would be a good option. but i don't, so nah. much love to those who do  
> i feel like it's a pretty even split between thor and clint right now, based on the polls. i'm surprised; thor was so awesome last chapter. 
> 
> quick poll 2: Who would win in a fight, Thor or Clint?  
> if you ask me, it's thor 100%. even without weapons.  
> i mean he's a God. come on.  
> although i know i know, clint's supposed to be an expert at hand-to-hand. i mean, he can't ONLY be good at shooting, right?  
> with weapons, Clint would be crushed. i mean, 1000 arrows still loses to 1 flying thunderbold
> 
> quick poll 3: favorite line?  
> mine is probably, "“Don’t mind me, I’m just here for the coffee.”
> 
> although the treadmill bit is great too. fyi Kevin Hart has a story about an angry Ostrich that chases him for throwing a pen at it. I'm pretty sure Ostriches can go 60 mph at a full sprint for a few moments, though they average 30 mph at top speed  
> i think. you can wikipedia it if you want.
> 
>  
> 
> thanks for reading, lovelies!! see y'all soon!
> 
> XOXO Bucky


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THINGS GET REAL.
> 
> except they already were.
> 
> fine. 
> 
> THINGS CONTINUE BEING REAL

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> more humor and some angstangstangst because that's how i roll
> 
> i wish it was longer (shut up Tony) but this is what i've got this time around, and i'll be wracking my brain for the next chapter this weekend, don't worry.
> 
> once again, thank you so much for your kind words and fun comments. you guys keep me going and i love you all my lovelies!
> 
> XOXO Bucky who feels Loved

“So this whole time you’ve been tailing me it’s been for his sake?”

“Yup.”

She gave you a look of both annoyance and heart-felt sympathy, and you stuffed your face with 2 rice krispie treats in response.

“Well, shit.”

“Yup.”

“No wonder you felt so lousy.”

“Yup.”

“I mean if I thought you had it bad before-“

“Yup.” You said it extra loud so she would stop pointing out the obvious.

“Do you want to know what he yelled at me when he stormed into the bar last night?”

“Is it funny?”

“Kind of.”

“Sure. Lay it on me.” It’s not like things could get any worse.

 

 

“He said, ‘(y/n) doesn’t love me anymore and it’s your fault!!’”

 

 

And for once, you had no response.

 

 

“A little help here, Tony?”

“I’m busy.”

Steve threw Iron Butt a dirty glare as he tried to use his shield as a battering ram to separate Thor and Clint. Apparently, Clint heard ‘arm wrestle’ as ‘all out warfare’.

“You’re on Tumblr!!”

“Yes, (Y/n) and I are meeting at 2 to discuss our favorite Supernatural Gifs.”

“If you don’t help me pull these two apart right now, my shield is going to ‘slip’ out of my hand and take out your Absolut Signature Collection.

“Oh hell no!”

Tony tossed his phone over his shoulder and took a flying leap over the bar to help Cap out.

Unfortunately Tony wasn’t exactly the strongest person without his suit.

Fortunately, he was still connected to the mic.

 

“FIRE, FIRE!!”

 

“TONY STOP DOING THAT OVER THE SPEAKERS!”

 

“WELL IT’S THE ONLY WAY TO GET YOUR ATTENTION (Y/N). AND I NEED HELP ON FLOOR 15, STAT!”

 

You gave Nat the Cat a look, but she raised her palms in a ‘you’re on your own’ gesture.

 

“FINE, BUT YOU BETTER HAVE SOME GOOD GIFS FOR OUR 2 O CLOCK MEETING.”

 

“IF YOU DON’T MOVE YOUR ASS, I WON’T LIVE TO SEE THE 2 O CLOCK MEETING.”

 

“I’M COMING!!!” Lord knows, you needed him to enjoy your Castiel memes.

 

 

“Lady (y/n), I suggest you do not engage for the time being. It seems Barton has gone insane.”

You sprinted into the room like a bull, almost breathless. Tony and Steve backed out of the grapple slash fight quickly, since you were notoriously unlucky in a collateral-damage sort of way. You were still on medical leave from the concussion a piece of debris loosened by Mjolnir rushing by had caused during the last mission. “None of this 'lady' crap, Thor. My bet’s on you and I don’t want you to crush the legs of my bestie.”

 

 

“Oh, really? I thought you were just someone he punked around with.”

 

 

Clint stopped using the dirty move of holding Thor by the hair and turned to stare at you in horror.

Thor dropped his hands to his sides from twisting Clint’s arms behind his back as his jaw dropped in unison. He couldn’t believe he’d said those words either.

Both of them waited in silence for you to turn away quickly, or for your eyes to fill up with tears.

 

 

Instead, you scoffed and gave him a derisive laugh. “Well that’s more than I can say for me and you, isn’t it?”

 

 

You locked eyes with Clint, then, and the look of tumult in his eyes almost made your heart stop.

And it should’ve taken more than that to forgive him.

 

“Kick his ass, hon.”

 

Then you grabbed Tony by the collar and walked out of there, ready to ramble about how hot Dean was.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOOOOOOO
> 
> leave me a comment if you enjoyed!!
> 
> random ramblings:  
> quick poll 1: YOU KNOW THE DRILL
> 
> i feel like it was unfair to make Thor slip up this chapter considering Clint already has a significant lead in the polls, but what can i say, i write mindfucks and angst so there.
> 
> although grabbing Tony by the collar was cute... hmm... 
> 
> NO MUST NOT TURN THIS INTO CIVIL UNREST
> 
> quick poll 2: what would Thor have to do for you to forgive him?? (fyi Pharm, 'nothing' is not an answer ;) jkjkjk)
> 
> i loved slipping a nod to supernatural in there. huehuehue.
> 
> i can't wait to see what my weirdo brain comes up with for the next chapter!! i'm glad this one-shot is evolving. talk to you soon lovelies!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> THINGS GET CRAYCRAY

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm on a roll with my writing right now since i'll be on vacay soon and probably won't have much computer-time  
> i wish i was super inspired and glued to the keyboard all the time, but you know, life gets in the way
> 
> anyway heres some more mindfuckery!!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky

“You know they were fighting over you, right?”

“Yeah, sure.” You mumbled as you took the Ipad away from Tony to skip past the Sam gifs. You were in the mood for Dean right now. Moody, douchey Dean.

“I know, I know, you don’t have the looks to come between 2 guys.” He blocked your punch expertly, before continuing. “But hey, personality is becoming more and more important lately. I have no idea why.”

“Not everyone cares about ‘tits and ass’ like you do.”

“Shut your little mouth!” Tony gasped in mock horror.

“Bite me.” You let out a stifled chuckle at a gif of Jensen Ackles choking on a burger, before pushing the iPad back at your bar-buddy. “Well, I’m out of here.”

“Really?? We didn’t even get to your favorite, Cas, yet!”

 

 

“I guess even an angel can’t cure me of this shitty mood.”

 

 

“Well, looks like you messed up, man.”

“Now I understand why they call you Captain Obvious.”

“I mean you had a way bigger chance over Clint, before you completely broke (y/n)’s heart with your stupid line.”

“I was merely repeating a sentiment that ORIGINATED from Brother Barton.” Thor growled, but his face said what everyone already knew; saying it second was just as bad as Clint saying it first.

“Well, you better come up with a heck of an apology.”

“I’m not looking for advice at the moment, Brother Steve. Thank you and goodbye.”

“Well, your loss.”

 

“Trust me, I’m the only one left on Team Thor, anyway.”

 

 

“So you wanna talk Hawk?”

“No.”

“I’ll take that as a yes.”

Nat the Cat was the bigger woman as always, and sat down next to her deflated bestie with the leftover Rice Krispie treats.

“Now do you want to start with your ridiculous crush on me or your growing attractive to our best friend?”

“Neither.”

“Crush on me, it is.” At least he hadn’t made another (y/n) isn’t my bestie comment. Nat would have to kick his already-bruised ass if he pulled that crap right now. “Just so you know, you have zero chance.”

“Actually, I already knew that Tasha.”

“So why didn’t you move the hell on?!”

“Well, old habits die hard.”

“Bullshit.” She shook her head in disappointment. “Let’s be honest, Clint. You only liked the idea of us.”

“That’s not true!” Clint objected loudly.

“If you thought that we would actually be a good couple, you would’ve made a damn move already.”

“Hey, I’ve been stalking you with (y/n) for months. I was basically a hair’s width away from making a move.”

“Once again, I call bullshit.”

“Call it whatever you want, it’s still true.”

“Oh, really?!” She folded her arms and kicked the plate of treats out of his reach right as he leaned over to grab one. “So you spend weeks with (y/n) to so-called ‘track’ me without saying a word, but she goes on one date with Thor and you freak out like Steve when he heard Carlin’s routine?!”

“Maybe it was the last straw that broke the camel’s back!!”

 

“The straw of not being to express your feelings? Or not being able to express your feelings about her?”

 

“You don’t know what you’re talking about,” Clint slouched in his chair and mumbled.

“Maybe.” She leaned back and stretched, cat-like, already having won the fight. “But it seems to me, that if one were to resort to stalking instead of expressing one’s feelings, one might also resort to using said stalking as a way to spend time with one’s true love, also instead of expressing one’s feelings.”

“Don’t use your ‘one this one that’ crap on me.”

“Fine. You used your stalking to get over your crush on me. Then, you used your stalking as a way to spend alone time with (y/n).”

“She’s not my true love.”

“I dare you to say that to her face.”

“Gladly.”

 

Nat scoffed and stood up briskly, brushing her hands figuratively of this bigass mess.

 

 

“Right. Tell her you don’t love her. That will make Thor’s punking around comment look that much milder.”

 

“Yeah, well I’m the one who came up with that comment in the first place, so the joke’s on you! I don’t care about her, and that’s final!”

 

 

 

“Well, good luck keeping anyone on Team Clint after that.”

Clint turned, thoroughly pissed, and saw Tony leaning against the hall with a smug look on his face.

“Fuck off, Tony.”

“You had the upper hand, bro. The history, the little inside jokes and memories. You even got out of your big snafu when Thor repeated it loudly in her face.”

“Once again, Tony. Go fuck yourself.”

“Say what you want, but you’ve basically blown all your chances with (y/n). Hell, even I have a bigger shot than you.”

“Don’t go there,” Clint warned with his fists clenched on either side.

“You know what? I think I will. Since you’re not getting there anytime soon.”

“Don’t you mess with her-“

“Or what? You’ll tell her that she’s ugly? Maybe make a fat joke? Since apparently you can’t say anything nice to her face.”

Clint sneered at him. “Yeah, well I can actually tell her how I feel about her when I’m sober. You wouldn’t be able to say anything remotely romantic unless you had 5 drinks in you first.”

“Wanna make a bet, Legolas?”

“I don’t need your trust-fund money.”

“Fine, I’ll do it just for kicks.” Tony walked off whistling, waiting until he was through the elevator doors before he called back over his shoulder.

 

 

“It’s too bad, kid. I was rooting for you. But now I’ll just have to make-out with (y/n) in front of you.”

 

“You do and I’ll fucking kill you!”

 

“Oh, really? If my lips make hers smile, it will do more for her than you have in the past 48 hours.”

 

 

And the doors closed in front of Clint’s face as Tony headed down to find you and hopefully kiss that pesky frown off your pretty face.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A;LSKDJF;ALSJDF;ALKSDJF
> 
> WHATTTTTT
> 
> LEAVE ME A COMMENT
> 
> random ramblings:  
> quick poll 1: WHOOOOO NOW????  
> i HAD to throw tony in. you know i just HADDD to.
> 
> quick poll 2: also, if Bucky was in the story (if i add bucky, i usually forget Thor. i can only handle a few characters at once, so either thor or bucky goes to the side. since you know clint and tony are essential, and steve and nat the cat are the voices of reason. bucky and thor end up being the comedic relief usually.) would he be team clint or team Thor??
> 
> quick poll 3: favorite part?? mine is probably when nat kicks the rice krispie treats out of clint's reach because he's being a dumbass
> 
> hope you guys enjoyed this!!! The next month is gonna be strangely sporadic with updates probably, but i'll talk to you guys as soon as i can!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> this one's short, but i wanted to at least get a few words out before the end of this year 
> 
> so enjoy!!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I HAVE TOO MANY FICS GOING ON AND I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
> 
> and after this chapter you'll see why i have problems :P
> 
> have a great new years lovelies!!!
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker

 

“So where’s Helen?”

“Who?”

“You know, the chick that launched 1000 ships?”

“(Y/n) is the girl that launched 10 punches.” Nat corrected, already waiting at Tony’s favorite in-tower bar.

“Yeah, well since it’s Clint and Thor, let’s call it an intergalactic war. Much more dramatic.” He poured 2 shots, downing both of them instead of offering one to Nat the Cat.

“Don’t even think about it.”

“What?”

“(y/n) has enough problems on her plate without you getting your stupid ass involved.”

“Why me? I would never!” Tony put on his most angelically shocked face.

“Save it for the supermodels.”

“What makes you think I’d get involved with all that drama?!”

“You’re double-fisting. You only do that when you’re about to go in for the kill. Or when you have to retire one of your suits.”

“Why Natasha, I never knew how interested you were in my fisting habits.”

Nat the Cat figured engaging the dolt in verbal combat would keep him out of trouble long enough for you to dodge all the testosterone-fueled traps in here.

“Though I’d be happy to include you in them.”

 

Then again, maybe actual combat would do as well.

 

 

“Sorry!”

You had been in such a hurry to cross the street and leave the confusion of the tower behind, you accidentally whapped someone with your huge purse.

Tony had always said that clutches were in and hobo bags were out, but you never knew if you’d need emergency sunscreen, ballet flats or a mini-hammer. The latter you’d added after you saw a construction work sobbing over a manhole, where he’d dropped his tools.

“You got a bowling ball in there or something?”

You looked up and saw a regulation hottie rubbing his elbow with a slightly mischievous grin.

“Nah, just a cardigan. And maybe some hardware tools.”

“Do I want to know?”

“Definitely not.” You should’ve continued down the block to your favorite froyo joint instead of getting distracted by this hunk. Especially since two handsome guys were the reason you’d fled the premises to find solace in yogurt and toppings. You’d thought your problems were big enough when it was just one; but with your hands already full when Clint was around, Thor jumping in had put you up to your eyeballs with trouble.

 

But this man was so damn good-looking.

 

 

“I’m (y/n).”

“Bucky.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BAHAHAHHAA
> 
> leave me a comment!!
> 
> Random Ramblings:  
> Poll 1: YOU KNOW THE DRILL
> 
> i totally fucked myself doing this, but i COULDN'T HELP IT. besides, it's new years. exciting things are brewing.
> 
> poll 2: WHO WOULD YOU KISS ON CHRISTMAS EVE IF IT COULD BE ANYONE EVER?!?!
> 
> there's too many i can't answer this
> 
> see you soon lovelies!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Angstmaster


	6. Chapter 6

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things get awesome!!! 
> 
> well, awesomer?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it's been a hectic, busy and fun holiday, but Bucky's back!!
> 
> time for another chapter to this bullshittery!!
> 
> again, i wish i could update this more often but i take plot and continuity seriously (even if i seem like a spaz)
> 
> so here, enjoy!! leave me a comment if you liked!!
> 
>  
> 
> XOXO Bucky the Mindfucker
> 
> fun fact: the only reason i started calling myself bucky was because when i got to know Pharm i realized she was the steve to my bucky. bucky's not actually my favorite character by any means, nor do i relate to him all that well (except when i'm feeling extra angsty)  
> no copyright infringement is meant by my nickname. and anyway, the mindfucker part matters way more.

 

“And that’s when I realized; that’s why they call it a clock radio!!”

You’d forgotten to order decaf, so you were a little hyper. It definitely had nothing to do with how goodlooking he was.

“Did it really take you over 20 years to figure that out?”

“Hey, ever since the first iTouch came out, I chucked my watch out the window. And my screaming little brother was my alarm clock all throughout high school.”

“You kids and your technology.” He snickered and you felt a rush of content that you didn’t realize you’d been missing.

Flirting with Clint almost always ended up with your feelings getting hurt when he went too far with his ‘teasing’. Or your arms, if you ended up punching each other.

And Thor; well, you’d never thought of him that way, and the sudden knowledge still had you reeling.

This? This felt easy. Comfortable.

 

You resisted the urge to rip off Bucky’s clothes on the spot quite well. Café Chocolat probably wouldn’t appreciate it, and you’d grown fond of their iced mochas.

 

“What do you mean you kids?! We’re practically the same age.”

“Oh, really? Do tell."

"You first.” No one in the Tower besides Nat the Cat knew your real age; hey, it was a woman pride thing!!

“What, and ruin the mystery?” He chided and you blushed profusely. This dude was smooth. He leaned forward and lowered his voice.

 

 

“Do you wanna get out of here?”

 

 

You shivered involuntarily. “Well, uhm, I’m not sure I’m comfortable- I mean I’m coming out of a complicated situa- well even if I wasn’t I try to take things slo-“ you weren’t exactly sure how to explain the current intergalactic mess.

He raised an eyebrow. “I mean there’s a street fair five blocks away. Unless you’re not into that stuff.”

“No way, I love caramel corn!!” You were relieved, and also on cloud nine. Could this guy be any more perfect?!

 

In your rush, you managed to grab your purse so quickly you whapped his other elbow.

He took it as a champ; no reaction at all. Just the same cool smile.

“Sorry!”

“Oh, right.” He made a face and pantomimed falling onto the table.

My God, you were like 2 dates from falling in love with this hunk.

In your ecstasy you boldly reached forward to grab his hand.

You wilted slightly when he pulled away.

He saw your crestfallen face and almost laughed out loud. “I’m more of an arm-around-shoulder guy.”

And with that, he ushered you to his other side and put his impressively muscled arm around you.

 

 

You were so smitten you didn’t notice the silver wrist poking out from his left glove.

 

 

“Uh, guys?”

Steve’s worried voice came over the loudspeaker as Clint, Thor and Tony nursed their respective wounds on different floors.

“I think we should talk-“

“NOPE!”

Three annoyed voices chorused in unison.

“It’s just (y/n)-“

“No need, Cap, looks like we’re already agreeing. What a step!”

“Shut up, Tony.”

Iron Ego fell silent as Nat the Cat’s voice cut over the line.

“I know your MO is ‘talk it out’ but can we just drop it for like three seconds?” Pissed Clint’s voice echoed through the halls.

“For once I agree with the Lord of The Rings.”

“The correct nickname is Legolas, Thor.” Bruce’s tired voice finally joined in on the inevitable Staff Meeting.

“Well I’m afraid-“

“Master Steve, I really do think you should give it a rest.” Even Jarvis was on the same page.

 

“It’s not what you think. I mean, it is about (y/n). But it’s more about who she’s with.”

 

“She found someone already?! What a slut!”

“Watch what you call my bestie!”

“If I recall correctly Brother Barton, she is not your ‘bestie’.”

“Tony you’re asking for your second ass-kicking!”

“Come on, Tasha! You know I meant it as a compliment!” For once, Tony was being completely serious.

 

“Everyone just shut up.”

 

The Tower went silent as Bruce spoke the second sentence probably of his whole day.

 

“Right, thanks Bruce.

Anyway, I think she may have found an old friend.”

“Is that what you call your dildo- DAMNIT NAT!!” There was scuffling and muffled ‘Owwie!!’s over the telecom.

“No, it is not!!! I don’t even have- nevermind.” Steve cleared his throat loudly. “I mean an old friend that I try to keep tabs on.”

 

 

“Don’t tell me you were trying to arrange a secret meeting-“

“He needed help, Nat!!”

“This close to our base?! Really?! You should know better Rogers!”

“You can lecture me later!! Right now we need to focus on-“

“You bet your ass we do!!”

 

“CAN SOMEONE PLEASE EXPLAIN WHAT THE FUCK WE’RE TALKING ABOUT?!?!!”

 

Nobody expected Thor to have an outburst…especially one that was so colloquially…Midgardian?

American?

 

“Right, the alien still doesn’t get it.” Clint the superspy had about figured it out.

 

“I don’t get it either! But maybe that’s because someone gave me a concussion!!” Tony’s grouchy voice came out loud and clear.

 

 

“Uhm, well…Bucky’s in town.”

 

“What??!!”

 

“And he’s on a date with (y/n).”

 

“WHAT????????!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WOOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHO
> 
> LEAVE ME A COMMENT PLEASE AND THANKYOU
> 
> random ramblings:  
> quick poll 1: YOU KNOW THE DRILL
> 
> what the fuck have i gotten myself into?!?!?! this is gonna take at least 3 more chapters to wrap up. probably way more!!!
> 
> quick poll 2: fav line?!?!  
> “I don’t get it either! But maybe that’s because someone gave me a concussion!!” is probably mine
> 
> i kept your age a mystery because hey, my lovelies are all different ages
> 
> anyway, even if you grew up in the 70s, it's possible you didn't actually realize what a clock radio was.  
> fyi i'm in my twenties and i still used a clock radio until about 5 years ago (i didn't want to pay for an iTouch/cell phone until my parents felt bad and bought me one for my birthday) so don't feel old
> 
> god i love this chapter. so many fun little moments
> 
> mini-mindfuck when bucky asks if she wants to go...someplace  
> huehuehue  
> i was contemplating making it civil-unrest-y (remember the wall guys??)  
> but that would make things EVEN MORE COMPLICATED
> 
> i'll try to give clint and thor some love in the next few chapters
> 
> holy crap WHY DO I DO THIS TO MYSELF?!?!  
> I CAN'T HELP WHEN THE MINDFUCK BUG BITES
> 
> okay okay thats all for now; if you haven't yet, go ahead and check out my new chapter to psychotic girl! (well, new 2 weeks ago but still)  
> or if thats too dark for you, head on over to New Years Celebration for some Brucie-Love!!
> 
> That's all this time lovelies!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky the you-know-who
> 
> p.s. the clock radio line is from that 70's show. god i love that series. i've marathoned through it 3 times already. this month.


	7. Chapter 7

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> things get crazy, with bucky in tow

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> at last, another long-awaited chapter of this bullshittery
> 
> i am feeling better, certain days, anyway
> 
> at least i'm able to crank out another chapter filled with mindfucks and humor, instead of pure angst.
> 
> again, updates on this (and any new light-hearted one-shots for that matter) might be sparse due to my current environment, mood, and circumstances. 
> 
> Thank you all for being supportive, lovelies. I hope you enjoy this exciting chapter, and I love you all!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky

 

“You know, I never thought someone would win me the huge giraffe from the Test Your Strength game.”

“It was nothing.” You nudged him with your elbow to let him know it wasn’t, and he gave you a small, sexy smile.

“And I never thought anyone would break the mallet.”

“Shoddy wood.”

“I’m sure,” you whispered conspiratorially and wished he would kiss you.

Then you reached the apartment complex you pretended was yours when you didn’t want your dates to know you lived in the tower.

“Well, this is me.”

“Thanks for letting me walk you home.”

“Thanks for not being a rapist.”

His eyes widened at the implication and how easily you joked about it, so you gave him what you hoped was a cute wink. Although Clint said it made you look like you got hot bacon grease squirted in your eye. Which had only happened once, by the way.

 

“So, are you going to invite me inside?”

“Well, jury’s still out on you being an axe murderer.”

“Fair enough.”

You rooted around in your purse, half-wishing you’d forgotten the lobby key Tony had bribed/flirted the landlady into giving you. You weren’t sure which, since you’d left the room for him to ‘work his magic’ after Clint called you to come ‘update his closet.’

Of course, you’d only had to use the key once. After months of pining over Clint pathetically, Nat finally set up an OKcupid profile for about five seconds as a joke. The fact that somehow had contacted you so soon after it was created and before it was subsequently deleted should’ve been an obvious red flag, but you’d headed out with a taser because you couldn’t spend another night working on Clint’s ‘master plan to thwart new guy in Tasha’s life.’ In the end, you’d ended the date after an awkward dinner of him trying to invite you over to his dental office so he could ‘Xray those lovely chompers.’ You’d gone up and down in the elevator four times of the apartment building (aka safe-zone) by the time Clint had showed up to pick you up. You’d wanted to order a Lyft but after regaling Clint with the tale over text, he’d flipped out and insisted on getting you home himself.

To top it off, he’d made a joke about how he could understand why the guy was obsessed with your teeth; you had a cute smile.

 

So all in all, it had worked in your favor.

 

 

Now, though, you were standing in front of the door with a man who you weren’t wishing was your bestie.

You realized this with a grin; that you’d had such a good time with Bucky you’d forgotten to compare him to your unrequited love.

“Do you have your keys?”

You held in a deep sigh. “Yeah, here they are.”

“Guess it’s goodbye, then.”

“Yep.” You answered, trying not to sound as immensely disappointed as you felt.

He stepped in close, then, and as you felt a rush of excitement you suddenly remembered a voice telling you, “Even the most mundane activities- you manage to bring life to them.”

And as he slipped his hand around your neck and you felt the strange chill of his wrist right below your chin, you couldn’t help but hold your face very still.

 

You wanted to kiss him so bad; but somehow it felt like it would be a betrayal if you leaned in to meet his lips.

 

 

He dropped his arm and whipped his head around, though, when an obnoxiously loud ice cream truck inexplicably playing the Scooby Doo theme song squealed to a stop in front of you.

You recognized the van, now; Tony had accidentally bought it when he smoked pot that one time and got major munchies. He’d given the guy twenty hundos instead of twenty dollars, so he’d gotten the lease on the truck in addition to the ice cream.

How he’d changed the song though, was a mystery to you. Probably some of his magic engineering skills.

The point was, it would be a hilarious situation if you weren’t on a date with an extremely hot guy.

I mean, technically the date wasn’t over since you hadn’t entered the apartment yet.

 

“Step away from the girl.”

 

Evidently Tony had hooked up an obnoxious megaphone as well. You gave him a death look, until half the team piled out the back of the truck. What the fuck?!

If this was some sort of dating intervention you were going to taze them all.

Was Thor holding Mjolnir?!

 

“Sorry about this, beautiful.”

 

Then he clipped something onto your neck and threw you towards Clint who was inexplicably sprinting towards you.

When you turned to see where he was going, he was practically a superhuman blur.

…Oh shit.

 

 

“Bet this is the first time your date snapped a bomb collar on you.”

 

But the words were as incomprehensible as the heart-wrenching look on his face as he picked you up and handed you off to Thor, who was looking more dismayed than when Tony made an April Fool’s news reel about Pop-Tart headquarters being bombed.

 

Which meant you were seriously fucked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHATTTTTTTTTTTTT
> 
> YES I KNOW.
> 
> RANDOM RAMBLINGS:  
> POLL 1: WHOOOOOO  
> i think it's pretty fair game, now
> 
> i thought it would be unfair if bucky got to kiss lovely while thor was lagging in the polls, so there you go. also, thor was a sweetie for the most part, so there.
> 
> i almost left off the last two sentences so you'd be in for a bigger surprise next chapter, but i couldn't resist including it. 
> 
> poll 2: HOW DID YOU ENJOY THE MINDFUCK  
> i have so many exciting and minfucky places to go from here  
> hey, i had to do something; bucky was WAY ahead in polls and it would be unfair to have him swoop in and skip all the bullshit everyone else had to deal with.  
> well, it would have made an easier ending but I DO NOT TAKE THE EASY ROUTE. MUAHAHA.
> 
> and of course i've also shot myself in the ass as this will definitely take a few more chapters to come close to winding down. poop. but i love my fics, and i love you guys
> 
> poll 3: FAVORITE PART?!?  
> i want to say mine is when bucky breaks the mallet in the strongman game, but i'm mad at him right now. yes, i know i wrote him like that BUT STILL. UNCALLED FOR, MAN.
> 
> fyi the dentist creep date was a spin-off of leslie's date with the MRI guy. I LOVE LESLIE KNOPE. AND PARKS AND REC. AND RON AND BEN.
> 
> poll 4: have you ever had a weird/funny bad date story you'd like to share?
> 
> i've only had two serious boyfriends the second of which i married and i didn't really date casually so i don't have many stories  
> but one time my ex (not at the time obviously) bought me 20-piece mcnuggets because i had been eating less than 1000 calories a day for over a week. i wasn't trying to lose weight, i was just so stressed from finals and anxious that i had no appetite.  
> then he told me, 'wow you eat a lot,' after i ate four nuggets. of which i only ended up finishing ten. jerk.
> 
> anyway i hope you enjoyed this chapter and are looking forward to the new ones!! thanks for being here for me!!
> 
> XOXO Bucky
> 
> p.s. this took way longer to write than it looks. i worked hard, so please be kind ;)
> 
> p.p.s if you're also having a bad day/shit week/ shit month/ crap year, just imagine tony's voice coming over a megaphone saying 'step away from the girl' to a war criminal. so therapeutic.


	8. HOLY FUCK IT'S THE END?!?!

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> somehow we've accidentally come to the thrilling, heart-warming end of an era

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, i don't know how the fuck this happened.  
> literally i sat down to write and write and write, and the final chapter flowed out of me
> 
> i know it's disappointing, but it's also great because it won't be dragged on, and i updated it right after i posted the latest chapter so it's still fresh in your mind =)
> 
> and of course more adventures will come up in the future, as well as angsty one-shots.
> 
> i'm really happy with how this whole bullshittery turned out, and that i was able to make an ending where it didn't spiral into unending depression and agony.
> 
> thanks so much for all your comments and joining me on this journey. i hope you love this last chapter and look forward to more mindfuckery in the future!!!

 

“Well, the good news is I’ve set up some interference that should prevent a remote detonation for the time being.”

“That’s the good news, Tony?!”

“I think the fact that your head won’t be blown to bits in the foreseeable future is a good thing, (y/n).”

“Shut up, Steve.” The blonde sweetheart was trying to help, but all you could think of right now is that you could be eating Lo Mein with Clint right now instead of being confined to the blast-proof panic room.

Thor had argued vehemently that you not be shoved into isolation; that his Asgardian body could probably withstand the explosion.

You definitely liked him better than Bucky right now.

In fact you liked the jerk who spilled grape juice on your dress during prom better than Bucky right now.

 

Which, now that you thought about it, had probably been Tony. It could have been anyone in his ‘crew,’ but it was probably him being a douche and then feeling immediately bad afterwards and ducking behind his friends.

 

“This is why you should’ve brought your lover in when you first found him, Captain Buttface.”

“That’s not helping, Clint.”

“What, Tasha? Don’t tell me you’re not just as pissed at our so-called leader for failing his number one job; bringing in baddies?!”

“Actually our number one job is saving people’s lives. Which is what we should be focusing on right now. Getting that thing off (y/n)’s neck.”

“Thanks Tasha.”

“Shut your damn piehole, Steve. I’ll dismember you as soon as (y/n)’s safe and sound.”

Steve trudged away slowly as everyone either glared at him or pointed him to the door. It wasn’t exactly his fault that Bucky had gone rogue-ransom-er; and if they’d listened to him and not all descended en masse on (y/n) and his best friend’s date, he probably could’ve talked Bucky into leaving quietly without a trace.

But since he had made his bed, he better go lie in it.

 

 

Was the thought he had as he trudged to his room to hopefully establish a line of communication with the Winter Asshole.

 

 

“Okay, Bruce, do you think you can handle the blast?”

“That’s the stupidest idea I’ve ever heard.” Tony interjected helpfully.

“Well I’ve come up with 8 others that are all reasonable but haven’t been successful. I’m allowed one shot in the dark. With my arrows of awesome ideas.”

“It’s actually possible that I can withstand the explosion. It seems to have been designed for a small, controlled detonation.” Bruce observed impassively.

“Great!” Clint clapped his hands hysterically, trying not to throw a tantrum and burst into tears simultaneously. Tasha wondered if they should administer him a sedative, but her own anxiety was begging her to take a shot herself, so the both of them might as well suffer in their sobriety together.

“Yeah but even if I snap it off and use The Other Guy’s hand to muffle the blast, there’s still a huge chance that (Y/n) will-“

“Be blown to smithereens?”

Bruce gave you an annoyed look at the interruption; but that was just how he hid his fear and dismay.

“Should we make contact with the Shithead then?”

“I don’t negotiate with terrorists.” Tony huffed, but they all knew he was just imitating Bush.

“What I don’t understand is what he wants in return. I mean, he’s slipped our grasp so many times he doesn’t need a hostage to do so. In fact, establishing contact for a ransom actually hurts his chances of escape. It would just take up precious time that he could use to swim the English Channel shirtless.”

 

 

“I’m pretty sure he just wanted us to back off.”

 

 

Everyone turned and resumed glaring at Captain Egghead who’d come back into the observation room.

“Why? You’ve done enough ‘backing off’ for the lot of us.”

“He knew there was no other way to escape without a distraction. As soon as he’s generated enough distance, the collar should self-destruct.”

You let out a shriek of horror despite all the bluster you’d been providing, as Steve quickly waved his hands. “I mean it will shut off automatically! Sorry, bad choice of words.”

“That’s it, I’m kicking your ass!!”

Clint barreled over Tasha, who barely batted an eye, and began pounding on Steve, who was doing his best to block the blows without countering them. Eventually, Thor separated them, one hand on Clint’s shoulder and the other around Steve’s neck. For once he was favoring the archer.

Steve took the hint and slouched away quickly.

Bruce let out an irritated (and secretly delighted) sigh, before giving you a shy wave and walking back to the elevator to escape to his office. He’d let you take him shoe-shopping later that week to show how much he truly cared.

 

 

“(Y/n), hon? Do you feel better now?”

The words came from Tony and not Nat the Cat, surprisingly, and he was only half-mocking her.

“Now that I know my head won’t explode?! Well…actually yeah. But only a little.”

“We’ll go to the bar and turn down handsome brunettes and guys with long hair tonight.” Nat the Cat reassured you, before placing her palm against the glass, a rare sign of gentle affection.

Tony did the same, and got a foot in the armpit. Damn, why was Nat the Cat so flexible?! “I wasn’t being ironic for once, Nat!!”

 

 

“Yeah, whatever. Let’s let the lovebirds have a moment.”

Tony gave her a strange look, seeing as there were two guys still left in the room, not one. Nat the Cat shrugged and dragged him out by the collar.

 

 

“Look, (y/n)-“ Clint started, before giving Thor a dirty glare which he definitely didn’t deserve. “A little privacy, man?!”

“By all means.” Thor answered coldly, before giving you a salute that warmed your heart and heading down the hallway.

“Why’d you make the hottie go away?!” Now that you felt the collar stop humming, you were back to your old self. As easily as it snapped on, the latch clicked open and it dropped to the ground like a harmless piece of plastic.

“I wanted to talk, you know. All by our onesies.”

“If it’s about Jeremy, save it.”

“It’s not!!” His temper flared, mostly because he’d spent the last half hour trying not to rip his own hair out. “God, why do you always have some snarky comeback?!”

“It’s why we’re besties, right?”

He didn’t deserve the patience you gave him just now, seeing as you were the one who was on the brink of death mere minutes ago. But you’d always had a soft spot for the bastard.

“Yeah,” he murmured, wanting to bust in and wrap you up in a lung-crushing hug. But there was a large metal door separating the two of you; and too many months of one-sided longing.

“Glad I’ve gotten an upgrade from ‘just the girl I punk around with.’”

“(Y/n)-“

“Look, Clint, I think I know what you’re going to say.”

“Well, you’re not letting me say it!!”

You shook your head with a grim smile. “It’s always like this with us, man. Arguing. Petty squabbles. Chinese food.”

“Is the latter also a synonym?”

“Notice how you’ve gotten around to bantering about everything besides the main point?”

You were smiling, mildly amused, and it put him on edge. “If you’re being mind-controlled by Hydra right now, don’t flip me off.”

Your smile got wider as you gave him the bird. His smile matched yours goofily, before the two of you were laughing so hard neither of you could stand.

Partly because of the emotional roller coaster ride you’d just been on; and partly because you could feel status quo returning. At least for you.

“See? This is fun.”

“Me watching as you’re locked up sociopath-style? Yes, very.”

“I mean it. This.” You spread your arms, like that could epitomize the slightly complicated but mostly platonic relationship the two of you had, which had felt so far away before.

Strangely, he understood the motion. After all, you were the best of friends.

 

 

“Just this?”

 

 

And you thought back to the nights you’d paraded around in outrageous outfits as Clint guffawed and made mean but hilarious comments.

The time you’d had two mojitos on an empty stomach during a spying sesh and were getting wobbly and he’d swept in stealthily to lift you into the rafters, just to see if he could do it without anyone noticing.

Sometimes when one looks to the past they see through rose-colored glasses; and already all those snide remarks that had cut you deep because he didn’t know how you felt, and the nights you’d tried not to cry yourself to sleep because damnit you just wanted him to be happy even if it was with someone else; they were fading.

But maybe so was your schoolyard-crush-turned-heartbreak.

 

“I like this, Clint. Don’t you?”

 

And his shoulders sagged but he knew he deserved it, so he gave you a sad smile that you’d seen in the mirror so long ago, that still stirred your stomach; but you knew it would pass.

 

“Yeah, (y/n). This is nice.”

 

And he hopped up onto a chair and up into the vents, so Thor could have his thunder, pun unintended.

 

 

 

“Lady (Y/n)?”

“That’s my name, don’t wear it out.”

He gave you a confused look, which made you giggle.

He felt the words leave him, as all he wanted to do was break through the glass house you’d been put in and grab you in an embrace and never let you go.

 

But even if the door weren’t still sealed hermetically shut, he’d realized that you deserved better.

 

Not in caliber of man, though he deemed himself superior at the very least to the convict who’d nearly exploded your head; but that you hadn’t been given a proper choice.

 

Selfishness had consumed all of them; Clint and his ‘cake and eat it too’ aka ‘Nat and (y/n) too,’ Bucky with, well, the obvious.

And himself? He’d been so wrapped in making sure he beat them both, in making sure he won; he’d forgotten about your happiness.

And regardless that he believed that he’d treat you like the angel you were, he’d rather you be with another, or even alone, and feel that freedom that you’d always craved.

 

 

“What’s your favorite thing about Mjolnir, Thor?”

“Besides the enormous bolts of lightning, presumably?”

“Nevermind.” You felt your laugh carried by the wind as you circled away from the zoo, far enough so they couldn’t pin it on you, but close enough to enjoy the frantic sirens. It seemed they had a special siren for when rare animals were absconded with. Very entertaining.

“Is it my cue to as you yours, then?”

“How kind of you,” you chided and you felt his laugh rumble against you pleasantly.

 

 

“If you’ve been grounded your whole life, it’s nothing short of a fucking miracle to be able to fly.”

 

 

“Thor?”

“Hm?” He didn’t fancy himself the meander-into-memories type of man, but (y/n) brought out the craziest things in him. It was as much magic as taking flight without a plane.

 

 

“I asked if you wanted to come in here and ravish me.”

 

 

He stared at you agape as the lock in the door clicked open.

 

“I KNEW YOU WERE TEAM THOR, TONY! NOW STOP SPYING.”

 

There was a chuckle as Tony (hopefully) clicked off the cameras.

 

Thor stayed frozen in place as you took one last at the bomb collar on the floor.

If you squinted, you could possibly see ‘thanks for the date’ scratched inside.

But you left it in there for HAZMAT or whatever to clean up.

 

 

“Actually, Thor, I asked if you wanted to get some pizza.”

“…right.” His mouth finally closed.

“And maybe we could finish the date with a trip to the zoo?”

 

 

“Does it still count as a date if I steal a giraffe again?”

“Make it a flamingo this time.”

“Deal.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WHEEEEEE
> 
> THANKS FOR READING!!!
> 
> RANDOM RAMBLINGS:  
> POLL 1: HOW'D YOU FEEL ABOUT WHO YOU ENDED UP WITH  
> i know it's impossible to satisfy all my readers, but i like the way this ended
> 
> it was hard because i felt like a lot of times thor got the short straw, so i'm glad he's happy in the end
> 
> also clint was so mean and so dumb for so long, he had his chance but missed it. oh well.
> 
> and bucky...well yeah :P
> 
> poll 2: FAVORITE PART OF THIS SERIES  
> mine was probably all the bruce cameos- making coffee, telling them to sort their shit out, finally promising himself to let you take him shoe-shopping because he loves you like a bro even though he's a quiet munchkin
> 
> poll 3: what are you looking forward to reading next?!?!  
> i glean my ideas from you guys, but be warned; if it's fluffy, it probably won't happen. fluff isn't my strong suit, and theres still lots of shit going on in life that i'm dealing with.
> 
> things have been sad and terrible but i had a long heart-felt talk with hubby yesterday that made me feel less crappy than i have in so long... god bless him!
> 
> thanks so much for all your love and comments lovelies!! talk to you soon!
> 
> XOXO Bucky


End file.
